


So be it

by Zinthezinner



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Polyamory, Swearing, Trans Characters, Trans Mitake Ran, Trans Udagawa Tomoe, there's fluff at the end i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 21:11:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18396434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinthezinner/pseuds/Zinthezinner
Summary: Let her have who she wants. If that meant the rival guitarist, so be it. If that meant four people who weren’t Ran, so be it.So be it.





	1. ...feelings...

Ran’s heart had dropped when Tomoe actually confessed to Tsugumi. Tomoe had told the rest of them about it beforehand, but only once it happened did it set in. Ran wasn’t sure why, though, not back then. She’d thought it’d ruin the group dynamic, that was all. Yes, that was all. 

She’d gone through life desperately distracting herself from it entirely until Moca confessed to Tsugumi as well, and Tsugumi had two girlfriends. She didn’t realize it, but that gave her some hope. Hope that since people could have more than one partner, perhaps Tsugumi would welcome another?

When Himari confessed soon after, it was getting complicated. Was it bad to have more than three? What if Tsugumi didn’t have time for her any more?

And now this, proving her wrong. This whole Sayo business. Four wasn’t too many, not for Tsugumi. Not that they were girlfriends yet, but they all saw how she got around Roselia’s guitarist, they all heard the excitement in her voice and messages when she talked about the words they’d exchanged.

Ran knew, now, that she did have… feelings… for Tsugumi. Feelings beyond friendship. Feelings of, and she hated to admit it, romance.

It was a pipe dream, of course. She was lucky she even had friends, how could she hope for a relationship? How could she hope for one with someone so beautiful? Ran was bossy and cold and out of touch with her emotions and ugly, and she knew that people like her don’t get happy endings like that.

Still, she’d stuck with her when the group found out that she was trans, she’d even helped her and Tomoe transition. So she didn’t hate her, Ran wasn’t even sure Tsugumi was capable of hatred, but could she ever love her back? Was there even room for her in Tsugumi’s heart?

Damnit. Everything was so crowded and busy lately, and as soon as she dropped being cool for like, a second, she started crying.

A buzz. Tomoe, messaging her.

Tomoe: Hey, I notice you’re not in the group chat? It’s getting a bit crazy in there without you.  
Are you ok?

No.

Ran: Same as always.

Tomoe: Actually, I have something to talk to you about.

Uh oh. Ugh, relax, Ran. It could be nothing. She’s probably fine.

Tomoe: Can you come over?

Ran: It’s late. Is it cool if I sleep over?

Tomoe: Good, yeah! 

Ran: I’ll be there in a bit, I have some stuff to sort first.

That was almost a lie. All she really had to do other than pack a bag was make it look like she wasn’t just crying.

So she did that.

She ignored that she didn’t actually want to go anywhere. She couldn’t leave Tomoe hanging like that, and even if she could it’d be suspicious. She had to keep cool, calm, and inconspicuous. Normal. Same Ran as always. 

And that meant going out when she didn’t quite want to.

* * *

“No problems with your dad?” Tomoe said, opening the door.  
“I would’ve told you if there were.”  
“True enough. Come in, it’s getting chilly!”  
“Hi Ran-chan!”  
“Hello Ako.”  
“Do you want anything? I was going to make hot chocolates but then Onee-chan told me you were coming over. Do you want one?”  
“Sure.”

Ako was usually gaming at this hour, but sometimes she stopped to hang out with her sister’s bandmates when they visited. It was nice. She put on her house slippers and stepped into the home proper.

Tomoe guided her to the couch, where they waited patiently for Ako to bring them the hot chocolate. It didn't take long.

Sipping quietly, she asked “Is it ok to talk about what you wanted to talk about in front of Ako?”  
“I dunno, is it?”  
“What do you mean? Is it ok or not?”  
“I wanted to talk about what’s the matter with you, Ran. Are you up for talking with us, or would you prefer we take this to my room?”

Fuck. Had she caught on? 

…

“I think I’d rather talk with just you, Tomoe. Sorry Ako.”  
“That’s ok! Whatever you need.” Ako said, obviously disappointed.

Drinking was then awkward until Tomoe got Ako talking about NFO. Ran couldn’t really pay attention, but there was something in there about a new tiger mount that she and Rinko were going to grind for later.

Eventually they all finished, Ako took the mugs to the kitchen, and Tomoe led Ran to her bedroom.

“Do you want to change? I’m already in my pajamas, it’s weird for that to be just one of us, haha.”  
“Yeah. Close the curtains?”

Tomoe dutifully closed the curtains and Ran undressed. She was comfortable in her undies around her childhood friends, they all were. It got a bit more difficult when they hit puberty proper, but they managed. Ran still felt residual shame, especially around Tsugumi, but she kept it under wraps. Everyone else was fine, it was fine. Really.

Honestly, if she was comfortable with anyone the most right now, it was Tomoe. As a fellow trans girl, she had an understanding that the others wouldn’t really get. It was reassuring, comfy, and safe.

“Ran? Going to put clothes on?”

Fuck! Had she just been standing there in her undies that whole time?

“Sorry.”  
“It’s fine! You look cute.”  
“T-thanks.”

Well there goes the comfort. 

She could feel her cheeks heating up, so she turned away and hurriedly put her pajama top and shorts on. It was probably too cold for shorts, but Tomoe always gave her extra blankets for her futon at this time of year anyway. She’d be fine.

“So what’s the matter?”  
“Not much. The usual.”  
“Is something wrong with Tsugumi?”

Fuck.

“Why?”  
“I noticed you’ve been pretty much avoiding her for like a month. I’m not mad, I just want to know why.”  
“She didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know that she ever has.”  
“Fair. So it’s something on your end?”

…

“Can you keep a secret?”  
“Ran, you know damn well I can keep a secret.”  
“I’ve seen you spill a lot. This is important.”  
“I can definitely keep the important stuff.”  
“Good. The truth is... I think I…”

Deep breath.

“I think I like Tsugumi.”  
“Like, like like?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Knew it!”  
“What do you mean you ‘knew it’?”  
“We’ve known you for a long time, bud. We know crushes when we see them, and we know crushes on Tsugu when we see them.”  
“‘We’?”  
“Himari, Moca, and I. I’m pretty sure Tsugu’s oblivious, but you never know with her.”

Ran slumped to the ground, leaning on the side of Tomoe’s bed. This was it, huh? The end? She was ruined.

Tomoe sat beside her.

“It’s ok! We didn’t tell anyone but each other, and we didn’t want to force it on you or Tsugu in case it wasn’t true.”  
“But you forced it on me just now.”  
“I wasn’t sure that was the case, but I wanted to know why you’re avoiding her before it hurts her. Make sense?”  
“Guess so.”

Ran tried to gulp back her tears. She didn’t want to hurt Tsugumi.

“I feel like there’s something else about it that’s bothering you.”  
“There is. I thought that with Himari she wouldn’t have enough room left. Now that Sayo-san’s here, I feel like I was wrong, like I missed my chance. Does that make sense?”  
“It does actually, yeah. I don’t think it’s about ‘room’ though. Love isn’t like a pie that you take slices out of though, it’s like the number pi, infinite and complex! She has room for the three of us, she has room for you, and she has room for Sayo-san as well, I’m sure of it.”  
“What if she doesn’t even want me in the first place?”

Tomoe sighed.

“Listen, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I think you need it. She’s loved you for a very long time, Ran. She doesn’t want to scare you off.”  
“I knew you spilled important stuff.”  
“Hey! That was for your own good! And hers!”

Ran almost laughed. She let out a weird exhale instead, which probably counted.

“Seriously, Tsugu thinks you’re really cool and stuff. She hasn’t wanted to tell you because she didn’t want to be rejected and cut off from you. She doesn’t want to lose you, Ran, and we weren’t going to let her.”  
“So you just let her suffer in silence? You didn’t even ask me if I liked her?”  
“We had to. We didn’t want either of you to get hurt.”  
“You didn’t? Well you have gotten us hurt. If you knew I liked her why would you make both of us suffer through this? You just wanted to orchestrate this massive pain into one touching moment, and you thought that that was fine?”  
“Ran, I-”  
“How the fuck dare you? You can’t just play with peoples’ feelings like that. It’s not fair on anyone.”

She was turned to stare at Tomoe now. Tomoe broke eye contact, burying her face in her hands.

“I didn’t think it’d be like this.”  
“Well you thought wrong.”

Ran was trying to just be mad, but her nose was itching and her eyes burned with unshed tears. She stood up.

“Are you going home?”  
“No. I’m setting up my futon, if that’s ok with you.”  
“It is.”

Those were the last words they said to each other that night. Ran had set up her futon while Tomoe got into her bed. Tomoe had waved awkwardly at her, and Ran had just stared in return. Eventually she’d gotten to sleep, but it felt like it had taken hours.


	2. Have Fun

Ran and Tomoe walked together to school that day, which Himari commented on. She accused them of hooking up, which Ran had quickly shut down.

“We just talked.”

Tomoe shared a look with Moca and Himari, excluding Tsugumi and herself. So they knew. She’d probably messaged them from in bed last night.

“Tsugumi. Can you meet me after school today? We don’t have practice.”  
“Actually Ran-chan, I’m going shopping with Sayo-san again today, remember?”  
“O-oh.”

Ouch.

“Right, yeah. Tomorrow then?”  
“Ran~ We have practice that day.”  
“I-I could come over after though! We could sleep over!”  
“Just the two of us?”  
“Yeah! That’s what you wanted, right?”

That was awfully bold of her, if she did indeed have a crush on Ran.

“Yeah.”  
“We should start heading to class now, can’t stand here all day!”

So they separated. Ran into 1-A, everyone else into 1-B. She always felt lonely in this class, but it probably helped her learn better to not have distractions or whatever. Probably.

* * *

The school day went the same as most days went lately, including Ran’s lack of interaction with Tsugumi.

They were all by the school gate waiting for her, and sure enough she showed. Long aqua hair, sharp green eyes, height that put her taller than everyone there but Tomoe, who beat her by a good 7cm. Not that she’d memorized it. She walked with grace, poise, and dignity. She was beautiful, alright.

Ran adjusted her posture and puffed her chest out.

“Sayo-san!”  
“Hazawa-san. Mitake-san.”  
“Sayo-san.”  
“Moca-chan~!”

Sayo glared at Moca for that.

“Hey, she’s just having fun.”  
“Indeed. Well then, shall we go, Hazawa-san?”  
“Um! Sure!”

She wanted to stop them. She wanted to keep Tsugumi with her and not let Sayo in.

Instead, she joined in with the other three in saying “Have fun.”

Stupid!

No, not stupid. Let her have who she wants. If that meant the rival guitarist, so be it. If that meant four people who weren’t Ran, so be it.

So be it.

* * *

Tsugumi messaged the group chat once she got to the shopping centre safe and sound with Sayo. She sent messages periodically, keeping the four of them barely up to date with which stores they were visiting and what they were looking to buy.

Tsugu-chin: We’re having milkshakes and fries now!   
It seems like she really likes it

Tomo-chin: Good!

Moca-chan: god i wish that were me

Hii-chan: Uuuuu  
I wish I could get away with that

Tsugu-chin: Oh no! She thinks it’s inappropriate that I’m on my phone while we’re eating  
She has a point, though!  
I’ll see you guys later?

Moca-chan: bye~

Hii-chan: Why doesn’t she take me on milkshake dates?   
Those are adorable  
Like the ‘50s in America but without the racism!

Tomoe: Weren’t you just saying you couldn’t get away with that?

Hii-chan: …

Moca-chan: hii-chan  
stop contradicting yourself

Tomoe: Maybe we can all go on a milkshake date next week then?

“We can all go on a milkshake date”. “All”. “Date”. Did she forget that Ran was in this chat too? She knew she didn’t talk much, but still. Pretty insensitive of her.

Or maybe she knew, and was insulting her. Baiting her. That wasn’t like Tomoe, but she couldn't help but think of it.


	3. Does it Hurt?

Ran could hear her heartbeat for most of the next day.

When they had practice she kept missing chords. Not improvising or misremembering, missing them entirely. She barely even noticed it.

Ran’s was the last stop on the walk home, which meant that for a few minutes it was just the two of them on the street. She could see Tsugumi make to hold her hand and think better of it, and she ached.

Going inside, Tsugumi waved animatedly at her dad and said hello before following Ran to her room. 

They sat cross-legged facing each other on Ran’s bed for what felt like hours, listening to the soft patter of rain above and around them, avoiding the elephant in the room. Ran spoke first.

“So.”  
“So..?”

She sighed.

“Does it hurt?”  
“Ran-chan, I didn’t expect a pickup line from you!”  
“T-that’s not it! Not quite. I mean does it hurt to like me?”  
“Tomoe-chan told you, didn’t she? I’m sorry! I don’t want to make things weird, please don’t think less of me!”  
“That’s not it, Tsugumi. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s the other three.”  
“In what way?”  
“Apparently they knew that I liked you-”  
“W-wait, you do?”

Ran looked up at Tsugumi’s blushing startled face and her cheeks began to match hers in intensity of colour. 

The rain beat hard on the roof above them, the growing shadows dimmed by cloud. Ran noticed this because she was evading looking at that face again, and the window was awfully convenient.

“Y-yeah, but that’s not the point. The point is that they did something incredibly cruel to me, and I want to know if it hurt you too.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean that. Ugh. So I only just figured it out myself, right? But those three knew. They knew that I liked you all along, and they could see that it was painful, and they did nothing. They didn’t draw my attention to it, they didn’t try to work through it, they didn’t ask if I liked you. They just. Waited. They let it fester inside of me! For years. Even though they knew.”  
“Ran-chan, I think they didn’t want to rush it! I didn’t confess sooner because I was worried you’d be weird about it-”  
“I’m weird about it?”  
“N-no, no! I meant like, I thought you’d react badly to it and not want to be friends any more. You said you only just figured it out, right? What would’ve happened if I’d told you before then?”  
“I… would’ve brushed it off for a bit, sure, but I would’ve thought about it a lot more and we’d’ve been together already by now. Instead there’s this whole mess and you have 3 girlfriends plus Sayo-san and you don’t even have room for me now and it’s just. Too late. And they probably thought it’d be touching, but it’s too much now, isn’t it?”  
“What? Of course you’re not too much! Love isn’t like a pie you take slices out of, love is-”  
“Like the number pi, infinite and complex?”  
“Yeah! Wait, how did you-”  
“It’s exactly what Tomoe said.”  
“Oh. Anyway it’s true! I love you, Ran-chan, and there’s plenty of room in my heart for you! You’ve been there all along, after all!”

Ran could feel a dampness streaming down her cheeks now, the beginnings of a sob starting in her chest.

Suddenly there were hands on hers. Ran threw them to the sides in favour of falling forward, wrapping her arms around Tsugumi’s waist, and burying her face in Tsugumi’s soft belly.

Tsugumi pat her back reassuringly until Ran decided to release her and flip over, setting her head in Tsugumi’s lap. Tsugumi pushed the noodle of red off of Ran’s face, letting a tear of her own fall onto Ran’s exposed cheek.

“I love you, Ran-chan.”

Ran could only mumble her response.

“I love you too, Tsugumi.”

**Author's Note:**

> I might make this a series with some sayoran later, but for now you guys get three chapters of angsty tsuguran.


End file.
